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can’t get my mom, with her rejected liver-failure-yellow crayola face and inflated tongue desperately honking her last gasps, out my my head


it physically hurts to know you’re gone

it’s brutal to acknowledge that it’s better this way


i wish i had been strong enough to love you the way you deserved, the way I wanted to love you

the small inner child inside me  sobs for momma  please  come home  big bad doctor took you away from me again  you said you’d always come home 

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seasons change as well as minds

and i’m a two faced clown

mommy’s little nightmare

driving daddy’s car around

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passive aggressive because i slept all day

brings up how i slept like 20hrs, i say i never get to sleep, he looks at me

like i’m not a functioning person, i get by on the skin of my ass, and i’m exhausted

if i didn’t have my meds i wouldn’t be able to do anything — i didn’t take my meds today, so i slept on and off until 5pm

when i asked him if he was upset/mad at me, he said it upset him to not be able to do something because of someone (aka me being asleep, him not wanting to wake me up?) but i’m also like… what the fuck, you could do whatever you want, it’s not my fault you think that way

also wtf would you be doing anyway, i could scream

i work as much as i possibly can (despite my body screaming at me) because I can’t be alone with my thoughts (also I have to pay the entire rent + utilities for my dad and I’s apartment)

i refuse to feel guilty for feeling tired, i refuse to feel guilty for prioritizing my comfort + needs

when i asked if he wanted me here, he said “i don’t care” and then asked if i was okay when i dissociated (being a baby) and i said “i’m just trying to not be a freak”

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“punishment”

haven’t felt very kissy, so when i do feel kissy he “acts” the way i have been and like barely puts effort in

he actively behaves that way, while i’m genuinely just not interested atm, but still want to touch/be close


so i have to actively get rejected until i can “prove” i really want it? or that i’ve earned it?


why do i have to have sex with you to prove that i love you

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constantly swallowed by guilt and feeling guilty for trying to not feel guilty

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i miss my fucking mom

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i’m not worried about where you are, or who you’ll come home to, just thinking about you

little freak  hs 

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and i get the feeling that you’ll never need me again

falling  what am i now 

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this is me acknowledging that i obsessively pull my hair out

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got (heckled? harassed?) hate crimed while trying to go out to dinner w nic in hyannis

had a group of people whistling and hollering, implying w their words that they found me attractive but could also clearly tell that i was an Other Gender, yelling stuff like what are you, i’m confused, etc

nic basically shut down, i “”laughed”” it off

when i asked him about it the next day, wondering if he’d ever been catcalled or called a slur

he kinda just brushed it off and was basically like yeah yknow everybody be havin their opinions… like trying to imply “yes” but clearly was a no

felt like that was one of the moments his brain stuck on  that if there was technically a forever between us  that he would have to accept that as ‘my normal’  and i don’t think he liked that  or knew how to process 

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last person who quit, was because she wasn’t working with the kids she wanted

my kid got taken by someone else and now i’ve been stuck w the older kids and it’s NOT what i want at all

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at the end of my rope and it slipped around my neck

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when your lifetime crush comes in and they’re still cute 👀

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evilwizard

*at the ADHD wizard meeting* sometimes i just find it difficult to hocus-focus