can’t get my mom, with her rejected liver-failure-yellow crayola face and inflated tongue desperately honking her last gasps, out my my head
it physically hurts to know you’re gone
it’s brutal to acknowledge that it’s better this way
i wish i had been strong enough to love you the way you deserved, the way I wanted to love you
the small inner child inside me sobs for momma please come home big bad doctor took you away from me again you said you’d always come home
seasons change as well as minds
and i’m a two faced clown
mommy’s little nightmare
driving daddy’s car around
passive aggressive because i slept all day
brings up how i slept like 20hrs, i say i never get to sleep, he looks at me
like i’m not a functioning person, i get by on the skin of my ass, and i’m exhausted
if i didn’t have my meds i wouldn’t be able to do anything — i didn’t take my meds today, so i slept on and off until 5pm
when i asked him if he was upset/mad at me, he said it upset him to not be able to do something because of someone (aka me being asleep, him not wanting to wake me up?) but i’m also like… what the fuck, you could do whatever you want, it’s not my fault you think that way
also wtf would you be doing anyway, i could scream
i work as much as i possibly can (despite my body screaming at me) because I can’t be alone with my thoughts (also I have to pay the entire rent + utilities for my dad and I’s apartment)
i refuse to feel guilty for feeling tired, i refuse to feel guilty for prioritizing my comfort + needs
when i asked if he wanted me here, he said “i don’t care” and then asked if i was okay when i dissociated (being a baby) and i said “i’m just trying to not be a freak”
“punishment”
haven’t felt very kissy, so when i do feel kissy he “acts” the way i have been and like barely puts effort in
he actively behaves that way, while i’m genuinely just not interested atm, but still want to touch/be close
so i have to actively get rejected until i can “prove” i really want it? or that i’ve earned it?
why do i have to have sex with you to prove that i love you
constantly swallowed by guilt and feeling guilty for trying to not feel guilty
i miss my fucking mom
i’m not worried about where you are, or who you’ll come home to, just thinking about you
and i get the feeling that you’ll never need me again
this is me acknowledging that i obsessively pull my hair out
got (heckled? harassed?) hate crimed while trying to go out to dinner w nic in hyannis
had a group of people whistling and hollering, implying w their words that they found me attractive but could also clearly tell that i was an Other Gender, yelling stuff like what are you, i’m confused, etc
nic basically shut down, i “”laughed”” it off
when i asked him about it the next day, wondering if he’d ever been catcalled or called a slur
he kinda just brushed it off and was basically like yeah yknow everybody be havin their opinions… like trying to imply “yes” but clearly was a no
felt like that was one of the moments his brain stuck on that if there was technically a forever between us that he would have to accept that as ‘my normal’ and i don’t think he liked that or knew how to process
last person who quit, was because she wasn’t working with the kids she wanted
my kid got taken by someone else and now i’ve been stuck w the older kids and it’s NOT what i want at all
at the end of my rope and it slipped around my neck
when your lifetime crush comes in and they’re still cute 👀
*at the ADHD wizard meeting* sometimes i just find it difficult to hocus-focus
